Monday, May 18, 2015

Hashtag Real Talk (aka #MomFails aka Things That I Can Finally Tell You and Laugh About)

I've made it a point to photograph Presley frequently, because she changes and grows so quickly. We have so many fantastic photos of her, but we also have a few photo shoot fails. One minute, I'm clicking away as she stares perfectly into the lens; the next, she face-plants. The crazy part is that she didn't even seem to care. She laid there calmly like "Oh, this looks different." I laughed so hard! Go ahead. Judge me.

As I was putting on deodorant after a shower one night, I thought, "Did I put on deodorant yesterday?" I realized I hadn't. So... ten points for my deodorant.

I still use the Bella Band with my dress pants for work, because there isn't enough Crisco in the world to squeeze me back into them. Last week I whipped out the maternity dress pants again, because 1) they're basically sweatpants disguised as work attire and 2) no one would know but me and 3) I DO WHAT I WANT.

Wanting to fit back into my wardrobe didn't stop me from scarfing down the homemade Mother's Day eclair cake which is pure sugar. I was four bites away from finishing when I knew I'd fall victim to a sugar crash later, but I did it anyway. Basically, it's probably regular weight, not baby weight, that I'm carrying.

In an effort to not interrupt my viewing of a Modern Family marathon on TV, I grabbed my breast pump from the dining room table and set up shop on the family room floor. I told myself over and over to be careful about what I was doing so that I wouldn't spill anything, and then guess what? I spilled breast milk on the carpet. I don't know if it was the fatigue or newly acquired "roll with it" mommy philosophy, but I didn't even bat an eye. I calmly cleaned it up without my husband even noticing what happened.

You know what wasn't calm? Me when Presley was three weeks old and screaming in my face after a night of nearly no sleep, and I was the most pathetic puddle of feelings, and I whispered to her, "Why don't you like me?" I can't make this up, people. I actually asked her why she didn't like me! Oh, Lindsay of Several Weeks Ago, you were so pitiful. ;)

When Presley was a few days old, I put her onesie on backwards... and I didn't notice for several hours. It was the first time I claimed "mommy brain" and totally meant it. I wondered if my husband and parents were silently judging me, and then I was like, "Yeah, whatever. I just birthed a small human being which means I just earned, like, 500 free passes."

I have breastfeeding and pumping down to a science now, but the daredevil in me tested the limit recently. I was home all day, so I said, "Screw you, breast pump. I'm not using you today." The breast pump got the last laugh, because as I brushed my teeth that night, my left boob sprang a leak... like Old Faithful. Unbeknownst to me, milk had been accumulating under my silicone nursing pad. I shall not skip future pumping sessions.

I ate pizza while holding a sleeping Presley, and I dropped tomato and olive on her. Considering she spits up on me on the daily, this only seems fair.


The photo outtake above was taken four weeks ago. Here is that photo's better half:

Blanket by iviebaby // Monogrammed onesie gifted by Houston blogger-turned-business-owner friend Kristen

I get all heart-eyes over that photo of her!


Kathleen said...

My best friend just had a baby and she has basically confessed most of these to me in some variation or another! Especially the one about asking the baby why they don't like you. lol

I'm gonna tell you what I told her....."You are a rockstar and the best mommy that baby could ever ask for!" :)

She is solo cute! Love that first picture. Hilarious! :)

Alana Livingston said...

This MADE MY DAY!! Thank you so much for sharing your momfails (which you are most definitely not failing so I hate calling them that).

Princess Burlap said...

THIS. Is the most hilarious post ever written in the history of blogdom. I just actual-loled at my desk. My boss is staring. I'm dying with this mental picture of you holding her up and whispering "Why don't you like me?"

And dropping pizza on her? Insert laughing until crying emoji here,

Marie @ Life is a Highway said...

Ha ha! I'm chucking over the pizza ingredients dropping on Presley, and who cares???? Yes, I have done that myself and there's no shame! But you're a good mommy and baby Presley will forgive you when she's old enough to read this blogpost!

Darby Hawley said...

Yep to ALL of this lol

You wear those maternity pants as long as you want ;-) They're way more comfortable anyways!

Brita Long said...

This is HYSTERICAL. Way to keep things real.

Devon said...

This is hilarious! Did you then eat the olive and tomato off her head? I would have. I had major road rage yesterday on the way to my Breastfeeding Basics class. I'm really worried my unborn baby might think I'm a psycho!