I'm just checking in to say that this ol' blog is going to be quiet for the next week. I'm starting a new term for school which is really exciting (and still a little intimidating, if I'm being honest)! I really want to hunker down, get a strong start this week, and hey -- actually work out. That hasn't happened in far too long, so instead of whining about how awful that makes me feel and how my life is over, I'm just going to get my butt in gear. (I can already hear the cheers and applause from Jessica who is officially a personal trainer now!)
And since I'm being honest here, this weekend went from terrific to terrible in about two minutes flat. I felt uber accomplished Saturday morning. I ran errands and got everything in the mail to my mom and actually made it to lunch with Whitney on time. I hate being late, so I was sweatin' bullets! We had a lovely lunch, and she took me to one of her frequent shopping spots. Somehow, I was able to defend myself from her "That looks so cute on you/It's such a good deal/You should totally buy it" powers. ;) I had a pretty crummy week, personally, and some time out of the house with a friend was, well, amazing. (Thanks, Whit!)
My great mood and I went home, not knowing how quickly it would be erased. I got some surprising news soon after I got home, and for lack of a better term, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. What the news is and who it is about isn't the point. The point is it threw me like cowboy off a bronco.
Something I hate to admit is that when I feel betrayed, I immediately go into self-blaming. I don't talk about those situations, because a) some part of me knows it's a nasty mind-trick and b) I'm a huge believer in not venting to other people, because it may unintentionally skew their view of someone else important in my life, and I don't think that's fair. But without talking to someone about it, it remains internalized and quite literally eats me up. Sometimes it's for 30 minutes, and sometimes it's for two weeks. When it's more than the rare 30 minutes, it manifests in old, destructive thoughts -- that haven't materialized for a couple of years.
As a person, I think this is my greatest, deepest fault. It is counter-productive for me, and it inadvertantly affects the people around me. My husband felt that I was distant the rest of the weekend, despite my attempts to act normal and press on with our regular weekend routine. No one wins, except the irrational conclusions that had I somehow been a better, smarter, or more attractive person, it wouldn't have happened. Is it possible to be a confident person with mediocre self-esteem?
Without a doubt, I always come out on the other side completely aware of what just happened and why. Thank God for that. Looking at my life as a whole, I know I get better and better at managing that cycle and how to deal with it. I don't have it down to an art, and obviously, I'm not at the point where I nip it in the bud and prevent it altogether, but I'm getting there. And almost always, I laugh at myself afterward, because I realize how irrational it is. Heck, as I cried to my husband on Saturday, I was already laughing! (NOTE: I'm almost positive that laugh-crying looks as weird as it feels.)
In the end, I think we're all doing the best we can with the cards dealt. Are we irrational human beings? Of course. Should we learn to laugh at ourselves afterward? Absolutely. And most importantly, we should take care of ourselves. I don't mean to offend anyone, considering it's the day after Easter, but I think the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with myself. I know that in order to offer the best of me to my husband, future kid, family, friends, co-workers, the Universe, God, and even strangers, I want to continue to work on myself.
Anyway, that concludes today's two cents (two dollars?). I'll check back soon. Enjoy your week!