Monday, April 1, 2013

The Most Important Relationship

What a weekend.

I'm just checking in to say that this ol' blog is going to be quiet for the next week. I'm starting a new term for school which is really exciting (and still a little intimidating, if I'm being honest)! I really want to hunker down, get a strong start this week, and hey -- actually work out. That hasn't happened in far too long, so instead of whining about how awful that makes me feel and how my life is over, I'm just going to get my butt in gear. (I can already hear the cheers and applause from Jessica who is officially a personal trainer now!)

And since I'm being honest here, this weekend went from terrific to terrible in about two minutes flat. I felt uber accomplished Saturday morning. I ran errands and got everything in the mail to my mom and actually made it to lunch with Whitney on time. I hate being late, so I was sweatin' bullets! We had a lovely lunch, and she took me to one of her frequent shopping spots. Somehow, I was able to defend myself from her "That looks so cute on you/It's such a good deal/You should totally buy it" powers. ;) I had a pretty crummy week, personally, and some time out of the house with a friend was, well, amazing. (Thanks, Whit!)

My great mood and I went home, not knowing how quickly it would be erased. I got some surprising news soon after I got home, and for lack of a better term, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. What the news is and who it is about isn't the point. The point is it threw me like cowboy off a bronco.

Something I hate to admit is that when I feel betrayed, I immediately go into self-blaming. I don't talk about those situations, because a) some part of me knows it's a nasty mind-trick and b) I'm a huge believer in not venting to other people, because it may unintentionally skew their view of someone else important in my life, and I don't think that's fair. But without talking to someone about it, it remains internalized and quite literally eats me up. Sometimes it's for 30 minutes, and sometimes it's for two weeks. When it's more than the rare 30 minutes, it manifests in old, destructive thoughts -- that haven't materialized for a couple of years.

As a person, I think this is my greatest, deepest fault. It is counter-productive for me, and it inadvertantly affects the people around me. My husband felt that I was distant the rest of the weekend, despite my attempts to act normal and press on with our regular weekend routine. No one wins, except the irrational conclusions that had I somehow been a better, smarter, or more attractive person, it wouldn't have happened. Is it possible to be a confident person with mediocre self-esteem?

Without a doubt, I always come out on the other side completely aware of what just happened and why. Thank God for that. Looking at my life as a whole, I know I get better and better at managing that cycle and how to deal with it. I don't have it down to an art, and obviously, I'm not at the point where I nip it in the bud and prevent it altogether, but I'm getting there. And almost always, I laugh at myself afterward, because I realize how irrational it is. Heck, as I cried to my husband on Saturday, I was already laughing! (NOTE: I'm almost positive that laugh-crying looks as weird as it feels.)

In the end, I think we're all doing the best we can with the cards dealt. Are we irrational human beings? Of course. Should we learn to laugh at ourselves afterward? Absolutely. And most importantly, we should take care of ourselves. I don't mean to offend anyone, considering it's the day after Easter, but I think the most important relationship in my life is the one I have with myself. I know that in order to offer the best of me to my husband, future kid, family, friends, co-workers, the Universe, God, and even strangers, I want to continue to work on myself.

Anyway, that concludes today's two cents (two dollars?). I'll check back soon. Enjoy your week!


Unknown said...

I hope things get better Lindsay! And I think our first reaction always is to blame ourselves, but you can't feel guilty for how you react to being betrayed either. Whoever hurt you should understand that you're doing what you're doing to protect yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that either! Sometimes you just need to take a few days to recharge, so good luck this week my dear. xoxo

applesandglue said...

Enjoy your little blog vacation, your new school term and working out. I'm sorry to hear that your weekend did not end up on a good note, but I am glad that you are looking at the bright side of things and taking care of yourself!

Unknown said...

I am so sorry that something was able to bring you from such a happy place so quickly :(
You are such a wonderful person and I know you will bounce right back. I had no idea you knew Whitney, I was lucky enough to meet her at Blissdom and she is truly a sweet young woman :)
Have a good week and best of luck during your new semester xo

Shannon said...

I kind of follow that same unspoken rule about not venting to others about important people in my life so as to not skew others' opinions of them. But it always seems MORE damaging to let it fester inside, rather than letting a trusted confidant help me through it. Granted, I am NOT this way when it comes to my hubs and myself. Those things are kept private. Period.

Hope your soul starts shinin' again, sista friend! :)

Empirically Erin said...

You're so good to be able to do that... I have the problem that I tell my mom everything, even the bad things about people then, being the protective mom that she is, she holds grudges against people. I get why she does it, but I still tell her everything. There has to be a healthy balance because holding it all in isn't good for you either! Take care of yourself girl... maybe you should vent to one of us bloggers since we won't know the person anyways! :)

Jess said...

I can relate pretty big time to this post. I'm the same way, as far as trying to figure out what I did wrong, even if someone else is acting like a crazy. I think a lot of it has to do with me wanting to make everyone happy? Possibly.

I'm trying to get better about not venting to others about someone else, because like you said, it can skew their perception of the other person, Ugh.

Oh and by the way...thanks for the shout out :) You better believe I was hopping up & down in my seat!


Whitney H said...

I hate to hear that your weekend wasn't great! I had such a good time with you, I'm glad that we could hang out together. Although, I'll be honest: the last conversation that we had made me a little queasy. I was dizzy when I drove you back to your car!

Whatever it is that made you feel down, I hope you're feeling much better now. I hate to see you anything but happy!

Jasmine said...

As coded and vague as this is (and therefore I have no idea what's going on!) I still wish you all of the strength in the world to overcome your challenges.

You obviously have enough moral fortitude to know that you need to overcome them and how, and I think that's a very good starting place.

Best of luck with the new semester!!! :)

Leanne said...

I totally get ya on this one, Lindsay. I have a great tendency to let things weigh on me. Whether the situation was my fault or the fault of someone else or not really a big deal at all, I wear the burden heavily. I do always look back and laugh, but it's just a matter of growing and learning.

So sorry you had to deal with it this weekend, but maybe taking a step back from the blogging world and focusing on YOU and all that you know needs to be done will help you get your feet back on the ground, so to speak. I'm also doing this over at my blog this week. Stepping back and taking care of what needs to be taken care of. Rest up, work hard, and take deep breaths! :)

Michelle said...

Oh Linds, I am so sorry for whatever happened that you had so down. I think you are the absolute BEST person. I hope your term starts out strong, your classes are wonderful, and there are NO group papers!

Janelle @ Two Cups Of Happy said...

Just stopped by your blog after not checking in for a while and read this post. I'm sorry you had a shitty weekend! I too am guilty of letting things fester and even the dreaded silent treatment. It's pretty bad but we are all a work in progress aren't we? Good luck with everything!

Devon said...

Whatever it is that is bothering you will inevitably get better with time and some self-reflection. That's how it usually works for me. I think confidence is the best defense and the best offense there is in life and when I feel I am letting (that's key, you do have control over this) other people shake my self-esteem and happiness I try to remember this and strengthen my character each time so I can be better prepared for the inevitable re-occurrance of the hurt or betrayal that comes with living life and interacting with the other people doing the same.

My mom always says this, probably a lot of people do, but it never hurts me to hear it over and over again: (whatever it is) It's not about you, it's about them. Worry about you, be true to who you are, the (growing) confidence will follow. And let the naysayers and betrayers learn the lessons they need to learn. They are separate from you. Don't let their shortcomings make you feel shitty.

Sending hugs! You rock!

Bev said...

Well friend... I'm very happy you're taking a break from blogging to get your mind right with the new term at school! Get it gooorl!! I know things are cray with school and work so take care of yourself (mentally and physically!).

Whatever and whoever did what to you... remember that it's all in your attitude. You may be over the situation now, which I'm hoping you are! Dwell on it, but don't dwell on it longer than necessary. You're working on bigger and better things in life, and whoever wants to come with you should be nothing but supportive. Any "extra's" can take a seat in the back because TBS's bus is moving forward!

Keep your head up girl... we love ya!!