Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My Husband Doesn't Need Me

I'm in love with my husband.  I fell hard for him over six years ago.  If you've been in love, you can recall how the entire first year is big lovely blur yet every moment together is remembered in infinite detail.  The first "L" bomb is always memorable, but another important thing he told me in that first year was,

"I don't need you."

After the initial shock of my heart being suffocated, he explained.  There was nothing about us that required he be with me.  He could absolutely live without me, but... he chose me.  Immediately, I understood.  He was the first person I dated who I didn't need in some way.  To my detriment, I had relied so heavily on past boyfriends that I lost some independence, and probably, some accountability.  Most of that dependence on others stemmed from the trickling effect of losing Matt.  This time around, I chose Mr. TBS -- without hopes that he would fill a void.  Of course, life would bring difficult times during which we would support each other and endure as a pair, but at the root of it, we chose each other.

We chose each other.
We chose to integrate each other into our personal goals.
We chose a lifetime roller-coaster buddy.
We chose to build a life together.
We chose to invest in each other and our individual selves.

He is my partner in life, and we are equals.  Neither of us expects to be treated like the boss or the princess.  We celebrate each other and maintain our individuality in our one-ness.  Our love is expressed through few material things for reasons of frugality and our intention to focus on experiences together rather than new "toys".  For example, we have gone horseback riding to celebrate our birthdays (one month apart) instead of buying clothes or electronics for one another.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with gifts (and anyone who says otherwise is lying), but we love investing in fun things we can do together!

Last week at yoga, my teacher opened and closed the class with the concept that we cannot control everything in life, but we can control more than we think.  In any given situation, 10% of the equation is what happens to us.  The other 90% is what we choose do afterward.  

To know and grow love that has nothing to do with need has made me feel so... empowered.  And confident and light!  It has changed how I view myself and my relationships.  My husband doesn't need me, and I don't need him, but I know our love is stronger because of that. 

I don't really believe in luck, but realizations like this make me feel so lucky!


Kim said...

awesome! love this! miss your face too!

Gesci said...

LOVE this. Love, love, love.
I really think you and I have a lot of the same values- hence our conversations :)
Yay for strong partnerships! *high-five*

Dude. I just saw that you have that ^ on your comment thing. Seriously... you're in my brain.

Empirically Erin said...

I love how you said this. I would have been totally shocked when he said he didn't need you too! But you're right...partnerships like this are so empowering and fulfilling!!

Jess said...

I adore this post!
Before I read it, I knew where you were going with it!

Either because I'm a little sister who is in your brain OR because I feel the same way about loving someone :)

And I love YOU a ton!


Unknown said...

Yes! I remember the day I discovered this thought too- isn't it freeing?! To walk around feeling like someone in your life needs you to survive is a lot of pressure and weight on top of your own shoulders. I mean outside of having a child, which is different because they do need you! But a partner is supposed to be a joint effort and a build of a great life to share, not take over or blend into. Great thoughts Lindsay!


Bev said...

Seriously one of the best posts! I love how the title through me off... until I read it! CHOOSE rather than NEED.. completely different. I love how he told you this first thing off the bat! A man of no fear ;)

And I totes agree... investing time in each other is something money can never buy! I don't know about horse back riding with my hubs, but we definitely enjoy staying grounded (he may be fearful of staying on the horse's back!).

Happy Wednesday lovie!

xo, Bev said...

great post! there's such a big difference in needing to be together and choosing to be together. my husband and i are coming up on two years in a month! thanks for the well-said words! :)

Kerrie Williams said...

I tell Wade all the time how glad I am that he chose me. Marriage is a choice, a commitment -- that's what makes it so special :)

Whitney H said...

I don't really use this phrase ever, but this post is totally on point. You took the words right out of my mouth. Before I started dating Nick, the guys I dated either had a huge glaring flaw that I chose to overlook or they "needed" me in some way. Nick is the first guy I dated who stood up to me. If he disagreed with something that I said, he challenged me on it. He doesn't treat me like I'm glass and doesn't pretend like I don't have my own opinions. He doesn't coddle me when we have arguments and expects so much out of me. It's not just a relationship, it's a partnership. We chose to be each other's partners for life. That's probably the most important thing you can have in a marriage, I think. (I know I've said this before but I mean it: Mr. TBS is a hottie.) (Don't kill me!)

Kristin said...

Wow. So incredibly put! Although we were created to need other people (to sharpen/refine us), our life is simply enriched by them - they don't make us who we are, or affect our worth and value. I'm so glad my husband CHOSE me :-)!

RadiantKristen said...

What a powerful, freeing experience! I have neve thought of relationships using quite these words before, but I absolutely agree that this is a special kind of relationship and love.

tara said...

girl, this post was awesome! love it!

Megan G. said...

This was such a cool way of thinking about relationships. You guys definitely sound so happy and so whole in your relationship. That is what I truly wish for in my Mr. Right!

I cannot stop laughing at that second to last pic with the turkey. :D

Leanne said...

Wonderful insight :)

Love these thoughts and I can't help but agree with how true it is!

Joanna said...

lovely post! thanks for sharing!

Vett Vandiver said...

so sweet!! <3 love your blog! <3

Devon said...

What an interesting perspective on true love.

Allie @ Between Dreams said...

I love this. I think it's such a wonderful sign of a healthy relationship.

It reminds me of Sebastian. Right before he got down on one knee, he said to me, "All I have in life are the choices I make, and I choose you."

Michelle said...

Yes. This is GREAT! I love it. We should never ever have to depend soley on our spouses for happiness, strength, etc. A relationship is healthiest when we don't "need" our spouse and are able to be one in marriage yet our own individual people. SO GOOD.

Anonymous said...

I love this post! My boyfriend, now hubby, made a similar remark to me when we were first dating! But it is true and you have expressed it beautifully.
Found your blog from Jessica Lively. Will be reading from now on.

Anonymous said...

This is really old but I just want to thank you for this post. My boyfriend said the same to me recently and my heart absolutely broke to the point where I thought I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship. But you made me understand the statement in a way that I don't think anyone else could have helped me understand better, so THANK YOU for transforming my perspective. I now know that he's with me because he loves ME over anyone else, not because I fill a void or because he feels like he has to be with me. Beautiful!!