Thursday, August 25, 2011

Growth & Thanksgiving

In times of great change, I routinely start to feel out of control of things around me.  It's this silly little dance that I do with myself everytime I'm experiencing a lot of change in life.  At the time, doubts and frustrations seem so big and all-encompassing and defining.  It usually takes days for me to realize how miniscule said "doubts and frustrations" are, or even better, why I was so upset in the first place.

This year's theme for me has been growth.  Small word, big changes.  We started into the year with only one of us being employed and the other pursuing graduate school applications and auditions.  With the joy of his acceptance to an MFA program came planning to move, planning a wedding, and my job hunt... in another state.  This year has been nothing but change which has been fun but stressful.  All change is stressful, even positive change.

Bear with me as I mentally unfold this. 

Upon arriving in Houston, we spent as much time together this summer knowing that graduate school would soon consume his life for two whole years.  Although busy with reading and preparing for the MFA program to start, he would always be home when I got home from my new job.  We had all evening to run errands, watch a movie, or go out to dinner and simply be together.  Fast forward to last Monday.  BAM!  As expected, his life has been consumed.  He is gone from 7:15am to 11:00pm, and say goodbye to his weekends.  But he's doing what he loves , and that makes me happy and proud!  However, I was quickly reminded that I don't know ANYONE ELSE in Houston.  Not yet, at least.  That made me sad.  Another thing that made me sad?  A long-time best friend of mine told me through text message that "we should cut ties for good.  Goodbye."  Ummm... did that just happen?!  We've had our ups and downs and accepted that our friendship had changed since 7th grade, but I felt like the decision was rehearsed -- prepared.  I was heartbroken.  And then confused when she followed up with an apology/retraction (I think) after seeing my dad and being reminded of the role that I have played in her life.  It's very confusing and still on-going.  I don't like to inadvertantly pit friends against each other, so I didn't call anyone to vent.  And my ever-present husband was unavailable.  Being the good sport that he is, Scott took the indirect brunt of my insecurities about people and their intentions and still loves me.  :-)

In the end, an experience is what you make it.  So I have five things that are important to me on this day of growth.
  1. I feel lonely that I don't have any friends or family within a 50 miles radius of home.
  2. I feel challenged to pursue activities that I'm interested in which may or may not lead to meeting people, but at least it's something I can explore on my own.  (Namely, I'm looking for a good dance, yoga, or pilates studio.)
  3. I look at my husband, think about what we have, and feel infinitely grateful.
  4. I am thankful for Skype.
  5. As I wade through my year of growth (and beyond), I really should focus on what I'm thankful for.
I think this will be the perfect place for my thanksgiving.

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